Resting

I'm in a quiet place now. After weeks and months of endless activity, constantly balancing needs with changing priorities, and working myself to exhaustion, I'm tired. More accurately, I'm sick.

As this last few months unfolded, each time I thought I was getting a bit of a reprieve, each time I thought I would have a day or two to sort out things and manage my responsibilities, I was wrong. I never did find more than a tiny sliver of time for resting. I did my best to keep up, and did my best to not fight the schedule for my life that seemed out of my hands. I did my best to surrender to the process that engulfed me. I kicked a bit, I stamped my feet a bit, but mostly I gave in.

And now, running a fever and unable to think straight for more than 10 minutes at a time, I'm still surrendering to the process that is larger than myself. I'm resting and napping while things remaining unchecked off my long to-do list. Deadlines approach and pass, and I nap.

Something is cooking inside me during this time. Something is being prepared. In due time, I will discover what it is. In the meantime, I surrender into the sacred space that my heart adores, and watch the parade of the world go past like I'm watching from an attic window the traffic on the street below.

We'll have to see what comes up next.

Great Wide Open

I am in type of creative space that I don't encounter very often. This time, instead of paper or other art media, the blank canvas is my life. My work life to be more specific.

The last time I felt like my working future was this wide open was back in college. After spending 2+ years studying computer engineering, I realized that I needed to change my major. I spent about 6 months still in college, still taking a full time load, but totally experimenting with different kinds of courses. There was such a freedom I felt from admitting to myself and the world that my major was truly "undecided" at that point. After a while, I did find a direction, and that direction lasted until just recently.

Now, with the shifting going on in my life, and the changes taking place in my main client's business, I realized I was in a unique place. I decided that instead of just going out to find new clients who need exactly the same kind of work done, I would take some time to explore my options. What kind of work do I want to specialize in next? It turned out to be a huge question, one I'm still not able to answer.

I'm completely comfortable with saying that my immediate business direction and future is undecided right now. I've got enough money to support myself through this transition, and I'm really appreciating that I'm a saver right now! I'm considering some very diverse options, including:

• Going back to college to get a PhD
• Writing a book
• Staring a new type of consulting work using social media
• Writing another movie script
  

I'm going back through my work history, looking at everything that has been juicy in the past, and making a list of the things that totally engage me and inspire me today. It's been a lot of fun and quite interesting.

Ironically, during this time my studio has devolved into a clutter bin! My worktable is piled so high with supplies and other studio stuff. It's really too bad because I have a lot of Christmas presents that need my attention. I'm hoping to resolve the studio mess next week and start on the pressies.

A Few of My Favorite Things

I went shopping Saturday afternoon in Chandler, and ended up spending a lot more money than I expected. So much more that I had to put my purchase on a credit card. It was a business expense and it was a great opportunity, but I usually don't buy things unless I can pay cash. I made an exception, and I drove home with the back of my truck loaded with my goodies.

On the way home, I was in one of those zones where the sky is bluer than normal, and the air smells sweeter, and the light seems brighter. And then I pulled up behind this Mini Cooper on Warner and Dobson, and lightening stuck my heart. Life is good. It was exactly what I was thinking as I pulled up to stop.

That was Saturday.

I've had a really rough day. I feel like my heart has been through the blender along with the spinach, celery and other ingredients in my morning green drink. It aches and I can't seem to stop crying. I'm only telling you this because I want to talk about how I'm dealing with it.

Apparently, I haven't done a great job today in resolving my feelings, because once my heart was broken, everything I have touched, everything I have tried to do, has somehow gone wrong. The worst of these collateral damages came through a project I volunteered to help. I offered to write a press release for an upcoming event and send it out the media in Phoenix. I always have an editor for my things because I'm rather anal about everything being perfect. So my favorite editor volunteered her time today to review the press release. I sent it out to 40 locations, and at the end of the day, I found more than one error in it. I was embarrassed for myself. I felt horrible for the project because I didn't want to do something that reflected poorly on the event. I was just a little angry with my editor. I also felt any sense of control slip like sand through my clenched fists because this happened in spite of my efforts to turn out perfect work.

I've been looking forward to going to sleep all day, knowing it would put an end to my day and give me the hope of a fresh start tomorrow. Only it is tomorrow, and sleep evades me. So I realized I had this opportunity tonight to really dig in, not to my problem, but to work with myself to both acknowledge exactly how I feel and also refocus on what I want in my life (post-broken heart). My life has taught me that the way I react to a challenge doesn't change the present moment reality, but it does change what happens next. This is about changing what happens next for me.

I decided to work with my strengths. I have crow eyes. I don't mean that my eyes have those wonderfully named wrinkles, crows feet. (Not yet, anyway.) I mean that my eyes go to the sparkly and bright colored things in the environment. My home is filled with them. I have lots of pictures of them. So I decided to do a little digital art project to cheer myself up, to indulge my crow eye, and see if I can't turn this heart thing around before morning, even if I don't sleep.

One of the songs that cheers my heart eternally is Diamond Road by Sheryl Crow. The second verse is the one that gets me every time:

Little bird, what's troubling you?
You know what you have to do.
What is yours you'll never lose
And what's ahead may shine.
Underneath the promise of blue skies
With broken wings, you'll learn to fly.
Pull yourself out of the tide
And begin the dream again.

So without further explanation, here's my digital art gallery.


I see this starfish box sitting on the glass mosaic tile box every morning in my bathroom. It reminds me of my drive up the Pacific coast about ten years ago, nearly three glorious weeks of beaches, redwoods, and mountains. I camped every night except for the three I spent in Seattle. I spent one afternoon on a small sliver of beach in northern California flying my kite and finding starfish and anemones along the water's edge. It was a magical afternoon.


The word "dream" captures the essence of what I do to visualize the things I want and focus on the things most wonderful in my reality. It is inspired in part by the emphasis on dreamtime in the shamanic traditions. But it also is inspired by the dream work I did so diligently when I spent my time with Liz in Yellow Springs. It was a time of deep personal growth and understanding about myself and life. I treasure my memories of time spent with her.

I see this little dreams with wings image every day many times. I try to always see it and not look past it because I've grown used to it. It reminds me to give my heart wings.


I found this little embroidered bag in a shop off the plaza in Santa Fe. When I saw it in the store, my heart stopped. It was the most beautiful thing I had seen in a long while. When I bought it, I had no idea how I was going to use it, but I knew I wanted to use it every day.

I returned to the plaza, kicked off my shoes and wiggled my toes in the grass. I pulled out my camera to capture the joy of the hour. I suddenly realized that I had purchased a camera bag. Since then, I carry it everywhere with me.

Depth of Experience

On Friday, I once again treated myself to a wonderful Carol Wingert class at Scrapbooks, Etc. This time, we made Carol's Dos-a-dos travel journal, a project she has taught a couple other times this summer. It's a fun red and black multiple part book. The front is an envelope/honeycomb book assembled with envelopes between the front and back covers. And the back is a another book, one with a sewn signature that opens from the back. When you look down from the top, the two books (joined at the back) make a Z shape.


I made a few changes to the covers. Carol used the same two papers on each front cover, and I used one paper on one cover and the other paper on the other cover. Inspired by classmate Marissa, I overstamped both papers with the assortment of travel stamps Carol provided. I love the way this adds another layer of interest to the covers. Oh, and don't miss the fun clipboard on the front cover (see Carol's picture).


In this picture of the back book cover, the paper background is tan and it has a swirling floral pattern. The word "travel" in the upper right corner (under the bird) is stamped, so are the names of the days of the week below that.

I nearly finished the embellishments in the class, and I'm working on this today because I am taking it with me next week to Santa Fe. I've decided that I need a change of scenery and since I visited the ocean in February, I'm heading for the high desert. I've been to Santa Fe more than a dozen times before, but it's been at least 10 years since my last trip. I'm very excited to visit all of my old favorites and discover some new ones.

I've actually had some difficulty deciding to take this trip. As I figured up the cost, I realized the fun things I could buy with the money and stay home. I have always been that practical about money, but in the past, I found it very easy to justify buying experiences over objects. It's only been the last 10 years or so that I've been more focused on having something to show for my expenditures. I'm not sure where that came from, but now that I see it clearly, I recognize it is a weed in my garden and I know it has been choking my growth a bit.

From my youth, I've been a person who wanted to experience as much of the world and as many different ways of living as I could fit into my life. I have always valued quality over quantity, and so I've avoided having the same experiences over and over (quantity). I've also chosen to avoid the path of the crowd, so I'm not a fan of shopping malls and I don't see all of the popular movies and listen to the hit radio stations. I seek out other things, art house and independent movies, world music, small import shops over big box retail, and documentaries on TV rather than prime-time series. I feel this gives me a richer life, and more texture in my thoughts than what is available through the mass consciousness. I haven't seen a single Seinfeld episode (and hence miss the references to that experience in the collective consciousness), but I know more than a little bit about art history and I've seen landscapes from most of the countries of the world (through photographs). I've experienced the prayer practices of several faiths, and love to chat with people from other places about their homelands.

It's not the life that most people want, but for me, it feeds my thinking and feeling, and nurtures my writing and my art.

Life Collage in Progress

The last few weeks have been more challenging that I would have guessed. My day job has been quite unpredictable, with a couple of large, rush projects turning off and on like a strobe light. Now, it seems that I have an unplanned vacation between now and the first week of August. What to do with myself?

I've decided to rework my home office. It's time for a thorough cleaning and reorganization of all of my business materials and paperwork. There are more fun things I can think to do with my time, but no project that will provide so much benefit to my life. I work from my home, and have been a self-employed writer for just over 13 years. By reworking my office, I lay a foundation so my working life runs smoothly, and I facilitate my writing muse. Since writing pays the bills, this will make everything in my life easier.

I love my daily life, and I work hard to keep it that way. I'm always trying new things, tools, techniques, strategies, fresh ideas, and anything I can imagine to tweak my life. I've lived with the mantra "How can I improve my quality of life and spend less?" for almost two decades. The latest improvements to my daily life have been: taking at least one art class a month, scheduling time in the studio, Twitter, and spending time with the new people I've encountered. This week, I'm getting ready to interview a housekeeper, someone who can help me keep things running smoother in two visits a month. It's an idea I'm willing to try, and I'm hoping it will accomplish two things: 1. A tidier house will shift the energy of my house which will free my mind up to explore new ideas and projects, and 2. I will spend less time cleaning and more time making art.

Those of you following my blog see me exploring the memory art/mixed media world, but what I've not shared are my short term goals for this exploration. I have a few ideas for items I'd like to make and sell locally. In years past and in another medium, I sold items in a local gallery and that was great fun. It was the first time in my life I felt like an artist (instead of just as a writer). My new project ideas actually combine words and images and memory art and I'm working at building the foundational skills I need to make the prototypes. I'm experimenting with paper strength, adhesives, embellishments, and layouts. But I'm also working to find a balance between me telling a story and providing a platform for someone else to tell their story. I've been looking for companies to make make customized stamps for me, and visualizing production lines for photo images and custom paper for book pages.

It's all been great fun. Now, I'm watching the pieces of the puzzle manifest in my studio (and life) and loving the anticipation of watching them come together. I hope that in 6 months, the projects I'm just making references about now will be full-blown items on my worktable ready to be delivered to the marketplace. One day I will be able to post pictures and announce how my dreams and desire have bloomed into reality around me. Until then, I'm very happy to keep dreaming my dream, trying new ideas, watching my progress, and loving the anticipation of reaching my dream.

Hang Time

My life has been consumed lately by my work, and now by my need to rest between big deadlines. I don't really have the time to rest, but my entire being seems to mutiny every time I even think about walking into the office. Yesterday, I realized that I have to give into this, and I ended up playing hookey most of the day. I had so much fun and felt so much better that I've decided to do the same thing again today.

Part of making art is being aware of my life. I have nothing deep to offer my art right now. Art without depth is not what my heart craves. I need my art to express the deepest parts of me, to share things that mean something to me, to offer a glimpse of my soul. To express what my words can't reach in a way words can't express.

I love this quote from William Blake. It tells me that hindsight understands my life with clarity, the moments that are confusing and misty in the present moment will later have form and make sense. That gives me comfort as I move through the misty world, dreaming dreams of my future and myself.

Life's cycles can be explained as breathing. There is a time for expansion, a time for growth and expression and creativity. But it follows a time of contraction, of instrospection and solitude and just hanging with what is. That's where I am now. Just hanging with myself until I'm rested and ready to begin all over again.

Life is Beautiful

The greatest truth I have learned about life is that it comes in cycles. There are times when opportunities abound and I'm full of fresh ideas, people, and new things. From there, things start to get really busy and I realize there isn't a limit to what I can take on. I have to get practical and set priorities, and then run with what seems to be the best of the crop. Eventually, the pace slows back down, and after a time, I find myself at a pause. With time on my hands and a bit of exhaustion, I rest and regroup, and start longing for new, fresh things.

For a long time, I thought that I should be able to manage the highs and lows out of the process of living. I felt that I had failed somehow when the normal cycle came round and round. I've learned to make peace with the cycle. I've also learned that I do have some influence over the impact of the highs and lows on my life. I've learned that at the high points, I can make smart choices that prepare me for the low points to come. I have learned to save some of the abundance (both money and ideas) to pull out later when things are a bit empty.

In fact, I've come to see the beauty of the cycle. It's like my life breathes. There is an inhale where it seems that the inflow of good will always be there, followed by a pause at the full point. And then the slow exhale until I again reach a quiet spot on empty. Like breathing, my life can't constantly be about filling up. I have to let go to have the room/space/energy to breathe in again.

When things are filling up, I get a chance to apply my priorities and values in new ways and in new situations. And then at the empty spot, I can evaluate how well I did on my inhale. Was I well prepared for the exhale, or do I need to adjust anything in my priorities or values or practices?

My work life is crazy now, but I'm calm in the midst of it. I have deadlines that seem impossible when plotted in the project plan, and yet, I believe that somehow it's all going to come together. I don't know exactly how. I also realize that I might not make all of the deadlines as written. But I'm calm in knowing that I'm doing my best to reach these deadlines, and focusing on the process of the journey. I'm letting go of the outcomes. I'm letting things unfold as they will.

It's interesting to be back at a crazy too-much-work place and see how differently I'm reacting this time. Every time I cycle through, I do something better because I'm consiously choosing to learn from situations and improve myself. So today, I find myself back at the completely predictable spot at the end of the inhale, and I get to see myself against this unchangeable backdrop. I'm different. I'm better. And that makes me happy.

I'm a life artist, and my daily moments are a collage of my experiences, perceptions, understanding, and life's surprises. Today, I see with fresh eyes that my life is beautiful.