Great Wide Open

I am in type of creative space that I don't encounter very often. This time, instead of paper or other art media, the blank canvas is my life. My work life to be more specific.

The last time I felt like my working future was this wide open was back in college. After spending 2+ years studying computer engineering, I realized that I needed to change my major. I spent about 6 months still in college, still taking a full time load, but totally experimenting with different kinds of courses. There was such a freedom I felt from admitting to myself and the world that my major was truly "undecided" at that point. After a while, I did find a direction, and that direction lasted until just recently.

Now, with the shifting going on in my life, and the changes taking place in my main client's business, I realized I was in a unique place. I decided that instead of just going out to find new clients who need exactly the same kind of work done, I would take some time to explore my options. What kind of work do I want to specialize in next? It turned out to be a huge question, one I'm still not able to answer.

I'm completely comfortable with saying that my immediate business direction and future is undecided right now. I've got enough money to support myself through this transition, and I'm really appreciating that I'm a saver right now! I'm considering some very diverse options, including:

• Going back to college to get a PhD
• Writing a book
• Staring a new type of consulting work using social media
• Writing another movie script
  

I'm going back through my work history, looking at everything that has been juicy in the past, and making a list of the things that totally engage me and inspire me today. It's been a lot of fun and quite interesting.

Ironically, during this time my studio has devolved into a clutter bin! My worktable is piled so high with supplies and other studio stuff. It's really too bad because I have a lot of Christmas presents that need my attention. I'm hoping to resolve the studio mess next week and start on the pressies.

A Few of My Favorite Things

I went shopping Saturday afternoon in Chandler, and ended up spending a lot more money than I expected. So much more that I had to put my purchase on a credit card. It was a business expense and it was a great opportunity, but I usually don't buy things unless I can pay cash. I made an exception, and I drove home with the back of my truck loaded with my goodies.

On the way home, I was in one of those zones where the sky is bluer than normal, and the air smells sweeter, and the light seems brighter. And then I pulled up behind this Mini Cooper on Warner and Dobson, and lightening stuck my heart. Life is good. It was exactly what I was thinking as I pulled up to stop.

That was Saturday.

I've had a really rough day. I feel like my heart has been through the blender along with the spinach, celery and other ingredients in my morning green drink. It aches and I can't seem to stop crying. I'm only telling you this because I want to talk about how I'm dealing with it.

Apparently, I haven't done a great job today in resolving my feelings, because once my heart was broken, everything I have touched, everything I have tried to do, has somehow gone wrong. The worst of these collateral damages came through a project I volunteered to help. I offered to write a press release for an upcoming event and send it out the media in Phoenix. I always have an editor for my things because I'm rather anal about everything being perfect. So my favorite editor volunteered her time today to review the press release. I sent it out to 40 locations, and at the end of the day, I found more than one error in it. I was embarrassed for myself. I felt horrible for the project because I didn't want to do something that reflected poorly on the event. I was just a little angry with my editor. I also felt any sense of control slip like sand through my clenched fists because this happened in spite of my efforts to turn out perfect work.

I've been looking forward to going to sleep all day, knowing it would put an end to my day and give me the hope of a fresh start tomorrow. Only it is tomorrow, and sleep evades me. So I realized I had this opportunity tonight to really dig in, not to my problem, but to work with myself to both acknowledge exactly how I feel and also refocus on what I want in my life (post-broken heart). My life has taught me that the way I react to a challenge doesn't change the present moment reality, but it does change what happens next. This is about changing what happens next for me.

I decided to work with my strengths. I have crow eyes. I don't mean that my eyes have those wonderfully named wrinkles, crows feet. (Not yet, anyway.) I mean that my eyes go to the sparkly and bright colored things in the environment. My home is filled with them. I have lots of pictures of them. So I decided to do a little digital art project to cheer myself up, to indulge my crow eye, and see if I can't turn this heart thing around before morning, even if I don't sleep.

One of the songs that cheers my heart eternally is Diamond Road by Sheryl Crow. The second verse is the one that gets me every time:

Little bird, what's troubling you?
You know what you have to do.
What is yours you'll never lose
And what's ahead may shine.
Underneath the promise of blue skies
With broken wings, you'll learn to fly.
Pull yourself out of the tide
And begin the dream again.

So without further explanation, here's my digital art gallery.


I see this starfish box sitting on the glass mosaic tile box every morning in my bathroom. It reminds me of my drive up the Pacific coast about ten years ago, nearly three glorious weeks of beaches, redwoods, and mountains. I camped every night except for the three I spent in Seattle. I spent one afternoon on a small sliver of beach in northern California flying my kite and finding starfish and anemones along the water's edge. It was a magical afternoon.


The word "dream" captures the essence of what I do to visualize the things I want and focus on the things most wonderful in my reality. It is inspired in part by the emphasis on dreamtime in the shamanic traditions. But it also is inspired by the dream work I did so diligently when I spent my time with Liz in Yellow Springs. It was a time of deep personal growth and understanding about myself and life. I treasure my memories of time spent with her.

I see this little dreams with wings image every day many times. I try to always see it and not look past it because I've grown used to it. It reminds me to give my heart wings.


I found this little embroidered bag in a shop off the plaza in Santa Fe. When I saw it in the store, my heart stopped. It was the most beautiful thing I had seen in a long while. When I bought it, I had no idea how I was going to use it, but I knew I wanted to use it every day.

I returned to the plaza, kicked off my shoes and wiggled my toes in the grass. I pulled out my camera to capture the joy of the hour. I suddenly realized that I had purchased a camera bag. Since then, I carry it everywhere with me.

Happily Organizing

When I pulled together my studio, I knew a fine tuning (or two) would be needed. After I finished the Punk'd mini book, my workspace was a mess. I tried to pick it up, but everything I picked up ended right back on the table. There isn't a place yet to put things away!

About 10 days ago, I ordered a few organizing supplies from Scrapbook.com. I already had a few of the Cropper Hopper embellishment boxes, and they seem to work for me. I ordered a few more, and a drawer to hold them. They came last week, and I spent some time filling them up from items tossed into the bins in the bookcase cubicles. When I ran out of boxes, I tried to estimate how many more I might need. And then I realized that the drawers were perfect for holding most of my ribbon spools! Needless to say, I put in another order last week, and they should be here by the weekend.

I'm sure it sounds strange, but I can't explain the happiness I feel when I'm working in the studio organizing the bits and pieces. I'm also struck with the contrast between having things in labeled little boxes and neatly available in cubbies compared to the years they spent in tubs I would push into the closet when I finished a project, totally haphazard.

I like organized much better. It frees my mind for creative ideas.

Bottled Appreciation

Mom got her Mother's Day present yesterday. She called me when the box arrived and I was on the phone with her when she openned it. She loves it. It's on her kitchen counter where she sits to drink her coffee throughout the day.

She said something very interesting. She thought it would be hard for me to give it away. In truth, I couldn't wait for her to get it, but at the same time, I do miss being able to look through it. When it was here, I couldn't keep my hands off it. I looked at it a lot. I told her I could always see it when I visit her.

It was so nice to have a moment where someone was showering me with appreciation. I made a consious effort to soak it all in and save that feeling for myself. There are plenty of places and times in my daily living where I know I'm doing good or doing the right thing, but I don't get that kind of feedback. By capturing that feeling when it was fresh, I can replay that feeling for myself any time I want it.

Recently, I've starting incorporating into my personal growth work the idea that rather than tell my story the way it is, I need to be telling my story the way I want it to be. It's a way to keep the vision of what I want next in my sights and on my mind in the small moments of life, the times when I have the most power to create. The big moments are when choices are made, and the little moments are when progress is made towards goals.

This isn't about living in a fantasy, it's about framing the events in my life so they support the direction I want to go. It's about saying things like: I'm figuring this out as I go, instead of saying: I'm not sure what I'm doing, or I'm confused about what to do next. By making a positive statement, I help myself to figure it out (in this example), and I give myself credit for wanting to do the best thing, even if I'm not sure what the best thing is right now.

By openning the bottle of appreciation, not only can I feel happy (which is the true goal of my personal growth efforts), but I open myself up to actually being appreciated more often by others. I want to be the kind of woman who has the grace to do all things with joy, in spite of my surroundings and the reactions of the people around me. I want to tune into my own source of joy within so my happiness doesn't depend on the circumstances of my world or the reactions of the people in my world. It's a big goal, but I believe I am becoming that woman more every day. In fact, I'm sure it is happening.