Tuesday, September 16, 2008

A Few of My Favorite Things

I went shopping Saturday afternoon in Chandler, and ended up spending a lot more money than I expected. So much more that I had to put my purchase on a credit card. It was a business expense and it was a great opportunity, but I usually don't buy things unless I can pay cash. I made an exception, and I drove home with the back of my truck loaded with my goodies.

On the way home, I was in one of those zones where the sky is bluer than normal, and the air smells sweeter, and the light seems brighter. And then I pulled up behind this Mini Cooper on Warner and Dobson, and lightening stuck my heart. Life is good. It was exactly what I was thinking as I pulled up to stop.

That was Saturday.

I've had a really rough day. I feel like my heart has been through the blender along with the spinach, celery and other ingredients in my morning green drink. It aches and I can't seem to stop crying. I'm only telling you this because I want to talk about how I'm dealing with it.

Apparently, I haven't done a great job today in resolving my feelings, because once my heart was broken, everything I have touched, everything I have tried to do, has somehow gone wrong. The worst of these collateral damages came through a project I volunteered to help. I offered to write a press release for an upcoming event and send it out the media in Phoenix. I always have an editor for my things because I'm rather anal about everything being perfect. So my favorite editor volunteered her time today to review the press release. I sent it out to 40 locations, and at the end of the day, I found more than one error in it. I was embarrassed for myself. I felt horrible for the project because I didn't want to do something that reflected poorly on the event. I was just a little angry with my editor. I also felt any sense of control slip like sand through my clenched fists because this happened in spite of my efforts to turn out perfect work.

I've been looking forward to going to sleep all day, knowing it would put an end to my day and give me the hope of a fresh start tomorrow. Only it is tomorrow, and sleep evades me. So I realized I had this opportunity tonight to really dig in, not to my problem, but to work with myself to both acknowledge exactly how I feel and also refocus on what I want in my life (post-broken heart). My life has taught me that the way I react to a challenge doesn't change the present moment reality, but it does change what happens next. This is about changing what happens next for me.

I decided to work with my strengths. I have crow eyes. I don't mean that my eyes have those wonderfully named wrinkles, crows feet. (Not yet, anyway.) I mean that my eyes go to the sparkly and bright colored things in the environment. My home is filled with them. I have lots of pictures of them. So I decided to do a little digital art project to cheer myself up, to indulge my crow eye, and see if I can't turn this heart thing around before morning, even if I don't sleep.

One of the songs that cheers my heart eternally is Diamond Road by Sheryl Crow. The second verse is the one that gets me every time:

Little bird, what's troubling you?
You know what you have to do.
What is yours you'll never lose
And what's ahead may shine.
Underneath the promise of blue skies
With broken wings, you'll learn to fly.
Pull yourself out of the tide
And begin the dream again.

So without further explanation, here's my digital art gallery.

I see this starfish box sitting on the glass mosaic tile box every morning in my bathroom. It reminds me of my drive up the Pacific coast about ten years ago, nearly three glorious weeks of beaches, redwoods, and mountains. I camped every night except for the three I spent in Seattle. I spent one afternoon on a small sliver of beach in northern California flying my kite and finding starfish and anemones along the water's edge. It was a magical afternoon.

The word "dream" captures the essence of what I do to visualize the things I want and focus on the things most wonderful in my reality. It is inspired in part by the emphasis on dreamtime in the shamanic traditions. But it also is inspired by the dream work I did so diligently when I spent my time with Liz in Yellow Springs. It was a time of deep personal growth and understanding about myself and life. I treasure my memories of time spent with her.

I see this little dreams with wings image every day many times. I try to always see it and not look past it because I've grown used to it. It reminds me to give my heart wings.

I found this little embroidered bag in a shop off the plaza in Santa Fe. When I saw it in the store, my heart stopped. It was the most beautiful thing I had seen in a long while. When I bought it, I had no idea how I was going to use it, but I knew I wanted to use it every day.

I returned to the plaza, kicked off my shoes and wiggled my toes in the grass. I pulled out my camera to capture the joy of the hour. I suddenly realized that I had purchased a camera bag. Since then, I carry it everywhere with me.


Kristi said...

Crow eyes--that's lovely.I'll be thinking of you and your crow eyes on my way to work this morning. Take care, Charlene.

MagicatGlass said...

Redwoods can do wonders for your soul. I pity anyone who hasn't had the privilege of being in their presence.
Be kind to yourself, healing is a process just like art.

Regina said...

Hi Charlene,

I just wonder if you are feeling a little better today? How good of you to write it all down! I'm convinced that by speaking your heart out and sharing it, the burden is less heavy to bear (hope you understand what I mean, my english is not good enough for things from the heart!
Take care and laugh..
Regina SXM