Facing the Unknown

A recent theme in my life is about facing the unknown. It's everywhere in my life right now, shaking me out of the road hypnosis of purring along smoothly and driving in my comfort zone. It's the new media at work in the studio. It's the client situation for my day job. It's embracing social media (Twitter, etc.) in my work life.

For the most part, I am really embracing this change and very happy to see it. I would be less than honest if I didn't say that from time to time, I get a bit scared about all of the changes. After those moments pass, I realize that feeling comes from the places where I've built my sense of security on something outside of myself. If my security is from having money in the bank, and my bank balance starts to drop, my security is shaken. If my security comes from having client work contracted out a few years in advance, and those dates come and go, my security is shaken. If my security comes from doing things the way I already know how to do them, and I have to switch to new tools and new strategies, my security is shaken.

For the most part, I feel I've done a great job in the last decade to really place my security where it belongs and not in these external things. I've been living a really peaceful and serene life, in spite of the normal rough times we all encounter in life. I've been through a serious illness, the extended illness of a family member, the deaths of several family members and close friends, the end of a relationship, and the purchase of my first home. With each of these, I went through a natural grieving process, letting go of the old, embracing the unknown of the future, and then finding my way into the new world. I've also discovered that it is easy to settle back into a comfortable routine after some major shakeups, too. But I'm really pleased at how well I've done in all aspects of managing my own security.

I'm at an interesting crossroad. I am in the processing of deciding what I want to be next (not what I want to be when I grow up... that will never happen!). I'm making choices now that will determine who I become next. That includes what kind of work I will do next. The opportunity for me is this: to take what I've learned so far, to see what I might want to do next, and figure out a vision for how I can reuse my skills to make that vision my new reality. It's a fun time, with a few scary moments. But it's a fun time.

I am Intransigent

I have two reactions to my new art journal and the art journaling process.

First, at the highest level, I realize that I've taken a step into a larger world and started a huge journey by taking just this one little baby step.

Second, I'm a bit shocked each time I turn the page and stare at all of that whiteness. I've learned to overcome the snow blindness of the page when I write, so I'm confident that I'll also overcome it here. I also realize this is the work, every day, to face the whiteness and take yet another baby step.


I'm totally in an experimenting stage with everything in my studio. I'm learning how the tools work. I'm learning how they interact. I'm learning how to use them and not use them. I'm trying things that I like and I don't like. I feel like a total beginner stepping fully into this realm. In every other enterprise in my life, I've reached some level of mastery from years of work and practice. Everything is fresh with the studio. Yes, I feel the advantage of the years of art in my life. I have ideas and my eye looks for things it likes, things that feel right. I'm just learning how to express these ideas, and learning how to put things together so I like the result. There's something freeing about being a beginner again in my life. It's a bit like walking in the woods after a snowfall and leaving the first footprints. (There is that snow blindness image again.)

Today, I made two entries, two very different experiments. I laid out the start of the background by using one of my new fabric stamps from India that I picked up at the Tesuque Flea Market. I just wanted to see how it would stamp using acrylic paint. The first impression went well, so I decided to lay out a background of them. After it dried, I watered down another color and painted it over the images. While that was drying, I grabbed a dictionary I keep in the studio and randomly opened it to the entry for "intransigent." It means unwilling to compromise. I love that idea, it completely resonates with me and my art journal. I added additional words that express my reaction to this word and my commitment to keeping this journal.

Many years ago, I learned how to make and keep a promise to myself. That may not seem like a life milestone to many people, but it was huge in my life, and changed so much of my inner dialog. I promised myself to start this journal, and I did it.

Something else I've learned in my life: baby steps are important. No matter how small the act, taking action in a direction changes everything. It sets you in motion, it starts building momentum. It signals the universe that you are serious, that you have your eyes open and you choose deliberately to move in a new direction. In my life, it always seems that the angels come rushing in at this point. If feels like every guide and every keeper and every fairy along the road come running out like the Munchkins in the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy steps on the yellow brick road. They laugh with glee and cheer me on because they know that the greatest part of this life is the journey, and that each step taken consciously, with open eyes and heart, and with aligned intentions is a moment of heaven on earth. Who wouldn't cheer for that?!

Today I Begin

I promised myself that my art journal was not going to sit and wait for me to have the perfect space with all of the perfect tools lined up ready to go. Today, I stole some time and using what was easily available, created a reflection of what I am thinking about my art.

Today I Begin...

...creating what I feel.
...learning how to express ideas in a new way.
...experimenting with tools and colors in a powerful new way.
...finding my way home.

As I thought about my art today, I felt my foundation for all of my art has always been collage, so I started with the checkerboard background of individual pieces. I used a fabric stamp from India to add a flower using paint to reflect the growth I'm seeking through my art journal. I used paint pens to add additional concepts and give myself some last minute advice for the journey.

The photo distorts the colors, muddying them a bit. I need to find a good light location in my house to capture the real colors of my art.

But none of this matters nearly as much as this: Today I begin a new phase of my journey.

Planting Seeds and Sprouting Ideas

On Friday, I participated in yet another fabulous Carol Wingert class at Scrapbooks, Etc. We decorated a 16 inch torso, worked with Glimmer Mist, and did some laser copy photo transfer with gel medium. As usual, I didn't finish my project in class and still have some work to do on the skirt.

To add some depth, we sprayed Glimmer Mist on paper and used that as an underskirt. For some reason, mine curled up and never did lay flat. I need to use some glue dots to hold them down. I've also got some ribbons yet to add to give more color and fullness to the skirt, in colors ranging from peacock blue to teal to lime green.

Speaking of peacock, one of the women, Cece, brought in peacock feathers she collected from the peacock that has moved into her yard and is molting. She was very generous with giving away the feathers. In addition to the traditional eye feathers, there were a whole range of different feathers from this bird. I didn't know they had so many different ones. Thanks, Cece, for the feathers. They will go on top of the ribbons.

My torso is actually very boring and ordinary compared to the beautiful creations made by some of the women in the class. It was inspiring to see what percolated in their imaginations given the same instructions and materials. I'm always happy to be in the company of creative women. This monthly class has been so great for me because of Carol's presence and projects and the participation of the other women. I look forward to every class.

I had lunch with a friend this morning at Palatte, an adorable restaurant in downtown Phoenix at Fillmore and 4th Ave. We ate inside where they have a conglomeration of antique and assorted furniture styles. The outside dining area is even more charming, with seating areas in metal lawn furniture with overstuffed cushions. I had my camera with me, but didn't think to get any pictures. I highly recommend this place. The food was very good, the atmosphere was excellent. Great suggestion, Daniel!


After that, I drove around a bit downtown, pining for the days when I lived just north of downtown and could visit the area any time I wanted. I drove up Central Avenue and marveled at the light rail tracks and stations just waiting for trains and passengers later this year. I can't wait to ride the train. The route goes within one mile of where I used to live, and I had made plans to take the train everywhere before I moved to the 'burbs. Now, I'll have to find every excuse to go for a train ride.


A little further up Central, I landed at the downtown branch of Arizona Art Supply, my favorite of their three locations (perhaps because it was my closest location for so many years). My goal: to purchase my first art journal. I must have had "that look" on my face, because every employee in the store asked me if I needed assistance. I was on a voyage of discovery and wanted to explore rather than be lead right to the spot. I settled on a spiral bound book of bristol paper in 11x14 size. I think the paper is heavy enough, I'm just not quite sure about the size. There is a LOT of white space on each page! I went with the larger size because I wanted to give myself enough room to develop ideas. I can always switch to a different size or layout or paper if I'm not happy with this one. But the book is purchased and waits for me on the worktable. I'm excited to get started.

But something else has started. Over the last two weeks, I've had a handful of writing ideas that suddenly sprang to life in my mind. Some are old ideas that are suddenly juicy again, and a few are new ideas. I find myself thinking about them when I'm doing mundane things like brushing my teeth and driving. In fact, at those time, I'm not just thinking about them, I'm actually writing them. When I realized what was going on, I made a commitment to begin the writing process. But things have been hectic, and after typing and writing all day for my clients, I haven't been much in the mood for personal writing projects.

Then, about a week ago, I started dreaming that I was writing these things. I had the same dream over and over, only each time, I picked up writing where I left off in the last dream. I'm a person who takes dreams seriously, so I knew I had to start writing sooner rather than later. I'm happy to say that I started writing two of these ideas this morning, spending the first four hours of my day capturing the thoughts I've had and things I've observed myself writing (in my daydreams and dreams). The words and ideas almost dripped out of my fingertips, and I was typing at breakneck speed to keep up with my ideas.

It seems I'm having a monsoon of creative ideas right now in every area of my life. I love when this happens. I know it is just a season, so I capture as much as I can while things are juicy and return to these detailed notes later, when the inspiration isn't quite so fresh but I have the time to really craft my projects. I make an effort to always plant seeds for creative ideas, and pay attention when those seeds start to sprout into projects. I'm hoping to harness this energy and produce a lot now and have good ideas ready to go when I have more time in my schedule.

Slowing Down Time

I realize that I haven't posted in a while. My day job has kept me plenty busy over the last couple of weeks. But that is only part of the reason why I haven't posted.

I realized this weekend that I'm doing my best to hold a space for painting the images I wrote about last time. It's almost like I'm afraid that if I put any energy into anything else art related, I'll whiz past the painting energy and it will be lost.

I have seen this kind of thing happen with writing projects. There is a point early in the idea phase where the urge to write is strong. I've learned how to sort of dam up that energy and not do things that will dilute it. I've found the energy gets diluted by too much note taking and research, and by talking about the idea. I can't blog about the idea, I have to write it directly.

I realized that not blogging about anything new and not blogging any more about the images were a way to dam up the energy until I have the time to return to the studio. It's my way to hold that idea, that image, and suspend it in time until I'm ready to address it.

My day job has me scheduled very tightly over the next few weeks and months, and then I have a gap where nothing is scheduled (yet). Do I really think it's going to be a long time until I make the space to paint? Part of the challenge is that I don't have the materials I want to make the image I see in my head. I'm concerned about diluting the energy by rendering it in another medium. Perhaps this is exactly where keeping an art journal would serve me well. I could sketch the images in any medium available, and record it for later, when I might return to it. Either way, I would capture what is on my mind while it is fresh. That sounds like a smarter strategy than trying to slow down time and dam up the energy until I gather my resources and take the time to paint.

I'm always surprised by the path of the journey. I suppose I'll read this entry in a few years and smile to myself about how much I have learned since this moment. How great that I'm keeping notes on my inner journey for later review.

Now, about that art journal...

Me, A Painter?

Ever since Santa Fe, I've had an image in my head that haunts me. Actually, it is two images, the same scene from two different points of view. And after days of denying it, I'm now sure that I need to capture this image in art. I see the finished products in my head as well. And they are PAINTED! But I'm not a painter. Sure, I can paint backgrounds for other artwork, but actually paint an image? I've never done it before with any level of success.

I realize that the only thing standing between me and my painter inner being is this limiting idea that I'm not a painter. So I embrace this challenge, and will honor this haunting image by capturing it to the best of my ability.

Is anyone else excited about the rubber stamp show in Mesa, Arizona next week? I love seeing what everyone has to offer, and spend a great deal of time at the Magenta booth drooling over the images. I was out of town for the show in March, so I'm especially excited because it has been a whole year!

I'm making slow progress on my Santa Fe trip photos on Flickr.